No 279. `Update.`

I guess the final end to Chris`s story is that the farm was officially sold on October 8th 2015. I am glad in a way he was not here to witness the finality of it all. It was heartbreaking enough to see the stock and machinery be sold.

Although I am curious and in a way excited to see the changes that will be made to the farm, as the new owner is investing much in upgrading the house and yard buildings, I again think Chris would have found that very hard.

He would have been pleased to see a new herd of cattle though now grazing the fields of Gwarth-an-drea.

You stole so much MND, not just the love of my life. I will hate you forever.

No. 272. 'I will take life.'

Well that is it, after cock ups and delays Tom's probate finally came through which allowed the completion of the farm sale. The new owner seems a lovely man and will farm cattle on it and love it which is all we could have wished for really, apart from never having MND enter our lives of course. I am now as they say, on my own, in more than one sense, it is a little scary, but I am sure I will survive. 

Since Chris died I have heard of 4 more people who have died from MND, people I have gotten to know over the past 16 months. Every single one is a tragedy and every single one is heartbreaking. It is the inevitability of MND which is so scary and cruel, let alone what it does to a person. Once you are told, 'I am sorry, you have MND' you are given a death sentence, not quite knowing when your end will come, but knowing it will all the same, while that damn disease steals your physical abilities from you bit by bit for good measure. 

For now I have tried to hide away from most of social media, I am not strong enough at the moment to share other's grief, it is hard enough dealing with my own, but I will come back fighting, I am not sure how yet or when, but I will. 

I am off to spend a few days with my youngest next week, who needs her mum, she does not find sharing her grief easy, we are all different in that respect and sometimes she tells me off for being so open. We have a fun weekend planned, though it will be strange for me to be up there without Chris. We first noticed something was wrong on our second visit to see Chloe two years ago in November, he couldn't keep up with us as we were walking around and Chloe and I teased him about it. Chris just said he liked window shopping, little did we know. It is hard to believe that a month earlier he had been carrying all of Chloe's belongings up 4 steep flights of stairs into her student bedsit, up and down, up and down, just one or two flights nearly killed this little dumpling.

The days seem very long now, I have no focus and still seem to wander around looking for something, not knowing what. I am not weeping and whaling 24/7, I am mostly numb, with just such a sense of loss and emptiness. Even now I cannot quite believe Chris has gone. The nights are the worse, I miss him the most then, during the day I can find distractions even if I am like a butterfly flitting from one thing to the next.

Well the ripples of MND spread far and wide, an era truly has ended for us, but life has to go on, I owe my darling boy that much, else him dying would be an even bigger waste. On the occasions I think 'What is the point.' I make myself think everything is the point. Chris wanted to live with every fibre of his body, but that choice was taken from him, I have the choice to live and for my boy I will take life and live it for him as well as myself. He would not have wanted it any other way.

No. 270. `What is grief?`

What is grief? I should be able to say, I am living it, but I don't really know. It is sadness, it is loss, it is tears, it is anger, but at the moment it is total numbness, I do get tearful, but mainly at night, that is the worst time. I hate going to bed, it would be so easy just to sleep in the lounge, but I make myself go to bed. The loss, it is the hardest then, sleeping in a big bed meant for two, an empty space that should be filled, quoting my daughter, 'Deserted bed sheets haunt my night.' that is so hard to live with. I have photos around me, I have my photo pillow to cuddle. I have my mementos, the silly sentimental things. I have a spotted hanky that Chris had with him when he died and I can't part with it, I tuck it in my waist band during the day and I hold it at night. I get panicky if I drop it, how weird is that? It is a link I suppose, a bridge from here to beyond the veil.

Yesterday I felt crap, I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there and wait for this dark cloud to pass. My head was thick and heavy and I was feeling pretty low and sorry for myself. I took to my bed and wallowed in my grief.

Today is another day and it is 4 weeks today since Chris died and I miss him so bloody much, he should be here with me, it is just not fair.

It was his wish though to have some of his ashes scattered on the farm, so some of the family joined me and we walked out to the river today and I scattered them on the hillside there. It is strange, I felt so bad yesterday, but today I was numb again, it felt so weird, there I was scattering some of the remains of my boy and I felt nothing, yet I cannot bare to let go of a hanky of his, this grief thing is very strange.

I had set up a bereavement group, rather naively, not knowing so many would want to join and I realised that I am not really in a place to help others yet or take on board their own pain. I felt bad about that, but it is enough dealing with my own and my children`s grief at the moment. I am glad I set the group up as it was obviously sorely needed and thankfully someone else has taken on running it, but for now I need to step back and just be a bit selfish.

I guess we all need to take grief one day at a time and ride that wave. It is horrible when it hits for sure, but I am certainly not alone with it, I wish it weren`t so, but I`m not.

Tomorrow is another day, let`s see what it brings.