Sunday 23 August 2015

No. 238. 'So helpless, so scared.'

My blogs these days seem to be filled with bad stuff, but unfortunately this is our reality.

The farm sale went well in spite of the pouring rain and will go a long way to settle farm loans etc before the partnership is fully dissolved. There was much praise about how well the machinery was maintained and that is down in no small part, to Christopher, who looked after the machinery meticulously, as well as the cattle. His beloved Nuffield tractor has gone to a good home, where the new owner will cherish it and take it to shows and rally's. It has served the farm well for over 40 years.

These past few weeks Chris's MND seems to have progressed at breakneck speed. Although he still has some use in his hands everything else seem to be failing fast. The most scariest of all are the chest muscles.

My boy is struggling to breathe more and more each day, plus yesterday he seemed unable to support his neck properly. During the day tilting his wheelchair back a bit helps, but at night it is trickier as he needs to sit up right. The carers last night did their best to arrange the pillows to support his head, but it still dropped forward during the night. The fear in his face when on top of all of this he starts to gag on mucous is heartbreaking to see and as much as I adore and love my darling boy, part of me wishes this could end for him. 

I feel so helpless, so scared, so drained, so heartbroken, so angry at this vile, cruel, evil disease.

We must find a cure one day we must.