No. 176. Fighting for my gentle man.

Lying in bed Chris said 'How did I get in this state?' I think part of him still blames himself for getting MND. My response was an angry one. Bad luck, that's how, certainly nothing that he did. He then said, 'Well I have had a good life.' I got angry again. I told him to not accept it so easily, to keep fighting. He may feel he has had a good life, but I hadn't quite finished with him yet. I was looking forward to our future together, maybe even get him to retire one day. I had fantasies of getting a camper van and off we would go, strolling on beaches, hand in hand, long country walks, baby sitting grandchildren together one day, he would make a real cool grandad, this wasn't how it was meant to be. Yes, he has had a good life, but MND is stealing his future with us and that is so worth getting angry about and I know deep down, Chris feels this too.

Has this disease taken so much from him? Not content with taking the physical things from him I am afraid it seems to be sapping his fight too, hopefully I am wrong. It is easy for me to sit by and not understand what is going on in his head. Acceptance is a good thing I guess and Chris has always been a gentle, placid type of man, but I want him to get angry with this God damn disease. In his head I think, it is better for him to have it than someone else. No one should get this and from my point of view especially not Chris. That sums him up though. Don't get me wrong, Chris isn't perfect, who is? But he is one of the most selfless people I have ever met and him getting angry about anything is a very rare occurrence. I guess he isn't going to suddenly turn into someone else, just because he has MND. He is a stubborn bugger in his words though and MND has that to reckon with.

I however, feel cheated for him, for me, for our children. If MND was a tangible thing I would like to get my hands on it. I would beat it, pulverise it, stamp on it, scream at it, swear at it, kill it, erradicate it. I would get locked up till the end of my days if it meant it would be gone from this world forever.

I know I am not alone with these thoughts, I guess anyone watching a loved one die of a terminal disease feels the same.

So I have to fight for my gentle man, not something that comes naturally to me either, but MND has brought my inner fight to the surface. I will fight to keep him with me, to keep him happy, to keep the beautiful smile on his face, to keep him alive, I know for now, he still wants to live and in his own gentle way, to fight. 

You don't deserve this my gentle man... No one does.